"If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."
We've all heard our mothers say that line to us a thousand times to us as kids, we are told to apply it to anyone in any situation and it will do us a great deal of good. And at one point in our lives we probably all believed that and followed that one, simple, BEAUTIFUL golden rule. But as we get older we learn just how difficult zipping our lips can be. We develop our own unique ideas, beliefs, feelings, and a large part of who we become as adults is represented by how we project those factors to the world. And, sure enough, we find someone to love us for it. They love us for our loud, outgoing personality. For our inability to stand being in a car for more then a few hours at a time. For messing up the directions even though we have our GPS, are using a map, and stopped to ask for help. We find someone to love us for all of the things that make us who we are. And its wonderful, and perfect, and no love has ever existed like it before on the face of the earth... and thats the honeymoon stage. Your gf/bf can do no wrong, everything about them is perfect, and you can't wait to spend the rest of your life in this perfect, lovey-dovey bliss.
But, sure enough, soon them always leaving their chewed gum on the nightstand isn't something you just shrug off and clean up with a chisel, some lighter fluid, and the jaws of life after it rots there on the wood for a few days. Oh, no. After a while of this you have the realization that they did that on purpose, they want you to be annoyed and spend a good amount of time trying to clean up the dried, nasty, super sticky/tacky gum. They knew it would piss you off, they were out to get you, and absolutely did not care in the littlest bit that it would surely drive you bat-shit crazy and cause you to completely flip out on him.....right? WRONG. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. In relationships people do not develop little habits like that to drive the other crazy and piss them off ( if you do that, get help), habits are habits for a reason. People are who they are, and the bottom line is that after a while certain things just aren't as cute anymore and some things get harder to overlook. It becomes annoying, and we get so used to having that person there that its easy to lash out on them and be annoyed with them because their not going anywhere....right? WRONG. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Nothing is ever really promised or guaranteed. So if we truly want something to work (and by want i mean feel the need for it to with every bone in our bodies) its going to take a lot of effort.
Not just whenever theres an issue, but every, single day.
Whats one of the biggest struggles we face with our significant other? Its not really that they leave their gum on the nightstand (if your biggest issue in your relationship really revolves around gum you are truly 1 in a million and should go buy a lotto ticket RIGHT NOW), its that on of us feels like our attempts to communicate are being disregarded. But did we really communicate? We may have said "please don't 'insert unique couple annoyance here', but did the other person really receive our message and how do we know.
If your like most normal, semi-saine people in relationships; you typically gauge your partners understanding of you by their actions. And, once again assuming you're a semi-normal person, if we don't see immediate turn-around or change in future actions, they didn't listen to us or care about what we have to say. But why would they? They never listen to us, right? How many times have we heard or said this "once again you never listen to what i say" ... but what was it that you were you saying? What is our main point? the second you say something along the lines of "once agin" you are digging up past issues and using them again your partner in the disagreement. If thats the case a) are you really not over those issues or b) are you just trying to "win". Either way: not good.
Sometimes the little annoyances become almost too much and develop in to bigger issues, and we start focusing on them rather then all the good and the positive aspects of the relationship. Its in times like these that a relationships true strength is put to the test (and by tested i mean put through its own personal ironman competition of hurdles and obstacles), so how do we come out triumphant? How does love endure being dragged through the endless mudd-pit that is all of the little annoyances and issues in a relationship? The answer, ladies and gents, lies within the art i like to call "Shutting the Eff Up". It may throw you for a spin so try and stay with me on this people.
Helpful hint 1: in the future, whenever you are upset with your partner, try and remember your main point and not get distracted by other "points" or "digs" you could make against them. And, if you can't do that.... shut up. Every day with our significant others, we should exercise the timeless practice of zipping our lips, opening our ears, and letting go of the need to be "right", or to "win" the argument. Because, the reality of it is that for every small battle you "fight" "win", you do massive damage to the overall war-effort.
As we all know, this is no small feat. Sometimes we feel as if our point isn't getting across or that our feelings are being disregarded, sometimes we feel as if their argument makes absolutely no sense, and sometimes we don't even know what it is that were arguing about... but we know we need to shut them down. Because whatever the purpose of the argument, whatever it is that we want is not being allowed for by the other person. And we hate that, right? We feel as if our person should just know us and what we want and need. We think to ourselves "Well, we've been together for 'X' years, if they don't know me by now...." WRONG. Stop right there. People are supposed to grow, and change, and your partners job is NOT to be a mindreader. Their job is to love you, despite the bs, and together with you to constantly be working on strengthening the foundation for your relationship.
Also something important to keep in mind; just because your in a relationship and "should be able to say what you want and express how you feel" does NOT mean you get to shoot your mouth off and say anything you want at any time you want to. No. No. NO. As with anyone, in any situation in life (work, personal, family, etc.) THERE IS A TIME AND A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING. We start to learn that when we are in elementary school, so why does that AMAZING instinctual social intelligence get to go out the window in matters dealing with your partner? It DOESN't! They are your partner, they deserve the most respect out of anyone in your life, so give them that respect. Be timely if you have an issue or concern, bring it up when appropriate and not just as ammunition in an argument. Its not fair, its not kind, its not anything beneficial to the relationship. So just SHUSH.
Lots of times in successful relationships partners give each other "tools" so that they both can keep working on certain areas of their relationship. These tools are things like: space, time, compassion, understanding, and ear that truly listens, a mouth that does not judge, and sometimes silence. Sometimes saying nothing is even better then saying the right thing, and always WAY better then having a smart come-back or striking a crippling blow to your opponent. Because, remember, they are not your opponent, they are your partner. So please (for the sake of what little sanity there is left in this world), the next time there is an argument or misunderstanding with your partner: listen first and speak second (if you need to speak at all). Ask yourself if what it is that your arguing over is even that big of a deal. Is it critical? Hugely important to you? And if so, why? If its not any of those things, then sometimes we just need to shut it, zip it, and prepare to be amazed at the reduction of friction within our relationships.
Silence is Golden, and Love is Human.
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